Words From the Spirit: A Birthday Gift

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Yes I guide your hand my love

you steer your heart

and it is there that I will live with you now and forever


Scott, April 1996     Channeled Writing

On July 10, my first birthday after Scott’s passing, I reached the age of 36.  Sitting at my computer passing the time as I awaited the arrival of a few close friends for an intimate dinner, the melancholy thought occurred to me that I was now as old as Scott would ever have the chance to get.  Writing to him as usual in my journal on that special day, thinking of him, I watched as my musings made a seamless transition into a channeled message.  Was this a birthday gift?  I wrote “I am now awaiting the arrival of friends, the chosen inner circle for dinner tonight.  I did not want a big production; these will all be people I can be comfortable with although at the moment, babe, I’m just not feeling very comfortable.  I feel like something is haunting me, it’s a feeling that is hard to capture and even harder to put into words.  Is it the prospect of Death that haunts me still, despite my declarations that it frightens me not after your passing?  Or is it the prospect of illness?”
“Something in me is out of balance, and I am not sure what it is.  It is hard for me to look within deeper than my broken heart and to see what is really going on.  I have deep doubts about the meaning of it all, deep doubts that it does mean anything.  At the same time, I don’t know why I am so hung up on this question of meaning.”

At that moment, suddenly caught up within a flow, my fingers began easily typing out a response.  The process was without thought, as though I were taking dictation, and here are the words:

This is a time of transition, give yourself a lot of slack.

Can’t you see, baby, that life goes on as it always has?  The river flows on uninterrupted.  We are all just beautiful bubbles that emerge for a while.  Glory is your native home, my love.  I am with you, I do not need to wait.  Please know that I am with you.

Yes, the messages that I have sent to you are meant to be comforting.  I do have the benefit of a different vantage point.  You are also in a position to know infinite bliss.  You are part of God’s plan, you are a kind person, honey, and you never do anything with the intention of hurting anyone.  To the contrary, you are all too ready to lay yourself down for the good of others too easily.  Be assured, my love, that things are unfolding as they must.

You do not recognize it but you are in a time of great change and growth.  It can be frightening to see your coordinates shifting, I know, especially when I am not there with you physically to hold you and to love you in the ways that we became used to, to share the blessings that we both knew.  But that does not mean the dance is over, my love, I tell you truly that we have only entered a new phase, just as you have entered a new phase.

I have told you before honey please enjoy where you are that is the reason for things right now it is time for you to enjoy and I mean to really enjoy.  I want you to think about what is fun for you?  I know it’s not easy, but that’s your challenge.  You are better at taking care of others than you are about yourself and you always have been, and I want you not to dwell on the fact of my physical absence, instead I want you to be at peace with the lessons of our relationship.  You loved me and still love me, the challenge I bring back to you is to love yourself with the same intensity and resolve and persistence that you bring to me.  That would be your birthday gift to me.

I want this to be a special year for you, darling, and it will be.

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Sunflower Impression    P. Crockett

“This is Not a Test, It is an Experience.”

Scott was apparently not yet through, for the next night he had more to say.  As before, I began writing him in my journal and received back a response.  I had just finished watching again a videotape Bruce had made for me about his brother, the fruit of his annoying and ever-present video camera.  “Hey, Dollbaby,” I wrote.  “Just watched Bruce’s tape again, saw the changes in you over the six years we were together.  Grief is a weird thing, the most complex bubbling pool of emotions, which I do not pretend to understand.  There are times when it hurts so bad that I cannot stand it, when the pain of losing you still hits me so hard.  There is nothing I can do during those times but get through them.”

“Honey, when I look at you, when I think of the times we shared together, when I think of everything, when I feel everything I know that I can never replace you, and that will never be my intention.  I know what you want for me, and I’m clear about that, you want me to be happy, but in the truest and highest sense, you want me to be supremely myself, you want me to ride it through and to do good things just because that is who I am and that’s the way my gifts go, and there are millions of lessons to learn and to teach, and a great number of experiences of all kinds.”

“But honey please understand from my perspective although I am now in my fifth month after your passing (Imagine that, when we hadn’t gone hardly a day without talking during our living time together) it still just kind of overwhelms me sometimes.  I feel you telling me to look well to the day.  Here is where I am meant to be.  Tomorrow we will go painting and will pluck the golden apples of the sun and I will make the heavens shine a little brighter for you, even if I can’t even polish your soul!” [As a huge fan of author Ray Bradbury's, I had loved his anthology titled The Golden Apples of the Sun," and as I headed out to paint had lightly fallen into the ritual of exclaiming "Honey, I'm going out to pluck 'the golden apples of the sun' for you!" The book, by the way, is highly recommended.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Golden_Apples_of_the_Sun ]

“Help me both stay open to you, baby, because I am not ready to let you go, and I hope you aren’t ready to go yet, must you ever?  Can we be together for infinity?  Are we together for infinity?  Is the only ‘time’ that really matters, or the only time that really exists, now?  What was that beautiful quote John Hicks told me, ‘Time is the reason for the beauty of the long road’ or something like that.  How do you see ‘tomorrow’ and yesterday?’

Without effort, the following response then came through:

Honey, I have many lessons to learn but the major and most important one is to learn to simply “be,” that’s what everyone needs to know, to absorb, and to radiate, that what they are is O.K., there is truly a reason for everything, there is a reason.

And your mind will never know what it is.  Trust, baby, that’s what it all comes down to.  You are in exactly the right “place” and the right “time.”  Does that mean you cannot change?  No, not at all.  It’s just means that you’re starting the game from the right point.  You are always firmly ensconced in the loving arms of God, even though you may fear violence or be subject to illness and death.

Tests of faith don’t really say it right, they get at the concept but again as usual you put your human desire to be punished into it.  Think about all the therapeutic notions people ascribe to punishment, the “spare the rod, spoil the child” school of thought, the “parent’s rights to discipline” being separated by a fine line only from brutal abuse.  This is not a test, this is an experience.  I told you I was in a schoolroom, with the idea that life is a learning experience, but get this, and this is especially important for you to really grasp, my love, this is not a test in the usual sense (as you can see nothing is what it appears to be in the deepest sense) because it is not a competition, number one, and number 2 because this is not a test you can fail.  These are truly illusions, they are not the heart of the matter.  You see, one is great only because another has consented to shine less.  What makes one shine though takes nothing away from another, although the feeling might be that way.

Don’t be afraid, honey, it’s O.K. that you hurt, and I would have been the same way a total mess had you gone before me.  You are really doing great, that is what I want you to know.  Again, I want you to be suspicious and to look deeper whenever anyone including me uses the language of success or failure.  Look deeper.  These are only “markers” that we use for convenience, but never confuse the location with the coordinates, nor the reality with the word.  Without driving yourself crazy, as you do tend to do, use your powers of discernment.  They will serve you in good stead.  This is the growth path I spoke of, it is a process really without ending forever, and I know that can seem like a drag but at its root there is a severe beauty to the universe you will have to trust me on this right now.  You know what I am talking about.

But anyway when I say that you are doing great what I want is to impart to you that you really are exactly where you need to be, not one step further ahead or behind of that point.  You can take a long journey, but you never really leave the loving bosom of God.  She is there for you, and always will be.  You are the highest and the best of the universe, baby, and I was part of the play sent so that we could continue along our path.

Honey, you will ultimately be at peace with my death you will not always hate it so very much and feel so keenly my absence because like I told you damn it I am not lost!  What am I, spiritual chopped liver?  No siree, Bob, the rules of this game do not require you to suffer or to be alone or for that matter to do anything else other than get through it, do it with flair, the world so desperately needs love.  The power of God will protect you are surely beloved and there is much for you to do.  But you have been acting my part you have been sowing the seeds and you will be standing back and watching a very beautiful garden grow.  You are my baby and always will be

You have no idea of what it’s like over here.  Reality is simple once you strip away things and see them for what they are

Go to sleep honey and get some rest for Christ’s sake!  I told you about that!

Take what you will from the channeled writings, for they are gifts of the spirit, offered in love.
Scott was apparently ready to take a break from communication through writing, for I was just about to make a new friend that would forever change my life.

To: A Miracle Unfolds On Lincoln Road

Published in: on November 4, 2008 at 5:44 am  Leave a Comment  
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A Spirit Begins To Stir – part one

A Light Breaks Through

No circuits remain uncompleted where truth lies

Scott, November 1996     Channeled Writing

As I waited the next evening with some apprehension for the telephone to ring, hope, doubt and fear all circled and danced through my mind. I sensed that I was on the threshold of an important experience, but had no idea what shape it would take. When Daviea finally called we chatted a little, as I was too terrified to get to the heart of the matter. The stakes were simply too high, and “what ifs” were running through my mind. At last, Daviea said “I asked her how Scott was doing.” In the momentary pause that followed, my heart seemed to stop beating in my chest. “What did she say?,” I asked after what seemed an infinity.

“She said that he’s smiling!,” she reported, ” and that he’s doing very very well where he is. She said that a couple times, ‘he’s doing very very well.”’ Even as she spoke I began to feel unaccountably light, as if a breakthrough were being made. “She said he’s much better off now than he was in the body.” She briefly paused, then continued. “And she said that Scott told her that he was surprised that he went so quickly.” Though those last words could not have meant much to Daviea or to Dee, they immediately struck me to my core and reverberated there as true. On the deepest level of my intuition I felt that I was being handed a real communication from Scott, experiencing a genuine sharing. It suddenly dawned on me that he had chosen to communicate that specific message not only to penetrate my veil of rational skepticism, and to touch my heart that way, but also for the purpose of greater healing.

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During his last days, Scott and I had become of one mind. Even as his physical challenges mounted and his body tired, and we fought battle after battle side by side, we grew in our love for one another and our souls melded. Given one last opportunity for union in this lifetime, each second became precious and an experience to be savored. The night before he died, we sat on the sofa together as usual, just talking and watching Thursday night T.V. By that time the infusion lines disappearing into the port in his chest had become part of the scenery, no longer any big deal. To us it was an ordinary evening, yet we both recognized it as sacred time.

We were easy together, having spent enough time together of sufficient quality to make words unnecessary for communication. I knew that Scott had made plans for the next day as the ones before, to simply survive. I knew that his death had taken him by surprise, and on some level that was part of my shock at his parting. Thus, in hearing Scott’s message third-hand, I intuitively felt that this was true, that Scott had effectively answered my prayers and made contact. My heart flooded with joy, flush with the dawning realization that Scott’s beautiful consciousness, his soul, had not died along with his battered body. The implications were staggering.

On a deeper level, Scott’s brief communication offered a message of healing in another important way. During the years we made our way through life together, we had faced everything as a team. All of life’s joys were made sweeter in the sharing, and the inevitable slings and arrows softened by the shield of our love. But yet there I had been on the morning of Scott’s passing, left unable to share this most momentous of experiences with him. I had seen him all the way through, bearing witness to the crowning “experience of a lifetime,” but now felt keenly the depths of my isolation. More than ever before I longed to be with him in this experience, to talk it through with him, to somehow help soften its impact in the sharing. But death had slammed the door shut on me, and hard, leaving me unable to do so.

Not until I heard Daviea speak those words did I realize how deeply frustrated and out-of-balance I had been left by my experience of Scott’s death. Even if I couldn’t have him back, I’d burned with longing to find at least a measure of closure with the event of his passing. In hearing Dee’s simple words through Daviea, I began to feel that an important circuit had been completed. More than ever before, I felt ready to start letting go of the bottomless pain I carried within like a heavy stone.

Feeling lighter than air, full with the dawning realization that my journey with Scott was not over, I literally laughed and jumped for joy after telling Daviea that I loved her and hanging up the phone. In spirit, Scott smiled.

A Window Opens

A few days later, I ran into a friend during a lunchtime workout at the gym. I had found that trying to return to my prior exercise routine, jogging one day and working out the next, helped to lift my sadness more effectively than any prescription medicine. My friend, who had not seen me since the memorial gathering, asked with sincerity and warmth how I was doing. It had been a tough journey, I told him, about as dark as I could stand, but I felt that maybe I might be just beginning to heal. I was proud of the small steps I had been able to take. I was proud, and somewhat surprised, to find myself surviving, to find myself still here. And even, at times, starting to tentatively embrace life if I wasn’t paying attention.

And I shared with my friend my fledgling awareness of a spiritual connection to Scott, my dawning feeling that maybe part of his consciousness had remained with me though his body had not. “I’m not exactly sure what’s going on,” I told him, “but something is definitely happening here. I’ve been writing him every day in my journal, and it’s like my sacred time. I still feel like I need to communicate with him; death hasn’t changed that.” Looking into my friend’s eyes, deciding I could trust him, I said “But that’s only part of the story. The weird thing is not that I’m writing him, but that I get the strong sense he’s listening. And sometimes, I swear, I’ve felt like he’s really been there with me.”

My friend listened spellbound, not sure exactly what to think or how to respond. “In fact,” I continued, I’m not sure why, “I feel like he’s here right now.” Feeling a chill pass through me, in pure desire, I said “Come to me, baby!” Standing with my back to the wall of large metal windows behind me, I saw my friend’s mouth suddenly drop open. Turning around, I saw one of the large, vertical windows lining the wall of the upstairs gym standing open. “That window,” he said slowly, “just unlatched itself and flew open.”

At the time I just smiled, not making much of the incident. No big deal, I figured, it must have been the wind. The timing was just a coincidence. But when I walked over to the wall a few minutes later, all of the other windows were latched shut. They were all several feet tall, framed in metal and quite heavy. And the day was still.

To Chapter 9

Published in: on July 18, 2008 at 2:41 pm  Leave a Comment  
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