Oh how you burn for me and that’s OK but trust me you’re now seeing through a glass darkly as once was said The eternal mystery is very much now and will be and you will grow and learn to trust in that.
Scott, April 1996 Channeled Writing
During the weeks that followed, back home and one foot firmly planted in each world, I experienced an existential crisis of spiritual identity. I knew matter and had tasted spirit, but where was my home? By some measures my life continued as before. I continued to seek my own balance, practicing law, exploring with my paints, and devoting my efforts to community education about the legal issues raised by HIV/AIDS through the writing of regular newspaper columns and frequent lecturing. Externally my life continued to unfold as before, but I had undergone a sea change within. Scott’s passing had suddenly and irrevocably changed me, leaving me no choice but to confront and come to terms with the searing anguish of my heart’s loss.
I had taken my first steps toward learning to live in a world without him, only to grow into a realization that that brutal course was unnecessary. Over the course of time, he had succeeded in reaching me through the pain, reassuring me that he was not lost after all. Though I felt blessed by the messages of comfort, somewhat in awe of the spiritual process I perceived to be unfolding, I became aware of a profound sense of displacement. What was I to do with the love I felt, and the information I was being given? Fundamentally, I wondered “Which is the real world?” If the messages being received by me were genuine, and the process correctly understood, the implications were vast. Of what significance now was my job, the day-to-day drama that surrounded me? I knew there was work to do, that a bottomless sea of human suffering constantly cried out for relief, but had also begun to feel that nothing was exactly as it seemed.
Not sure of much, I nevertheless had no doubt that a breathtaking new vista was being shown me, one opening door at a time. With each sign, each new message, I began to perceive intimations of a vast new reality, one of great beauty and one wholly beyond our experience. I had been pushed beyond the limits of empiricism, forced to begin the process of awakening from the dream of life here. Had he not promised the powerful gift of awakening in the Easter Sunday channeling, pointing out that Our whole experience together was dream reality was metaphor? I was indeed starting to perceive life in a different way, paying careful attention to the layered levels of meaning just beneath the surface. For the first time I found that the invisible, that realm beyond the limits of my five senses, had become crucially important to me. Though the world remained the same, my perspective had shifted on its axis.
Scott had indeed led my heart on a new journey. In the unfolding of his messages I began to perceive that the limits of time and distance, still so real to me, no longer existed for him. I found myself somewhat disoriented, my exact coordinates uncertain, but my intuition offered strong assurance that I was on the right path. Deep within, I trusted the love still burning within me for Scott as my surest guide. Against the bright light of that inner reality, my job and all the other externals of my life seemed to diminish in importance, fading almost to shadow. At the same time, I knew that I was still here for a reason, and that my mission was not yet complete. Your love of life is my legacy, he had told me, and I sensed him telling me to plunge in, to embrace the experience before me with gusto. Far from stripping life of its meaning and passion, my shift in perspective seemed to open up vast new possibilities in savoring its textures. My receptiveness to new connections enriched my understanding, leaving me newly aware and open to new layers of meaning, but created no barriers to my experience.
As I grew to understand and appreciate the ongoing vitality of our connection, my wonder grew as to the mystery of its meaning. In the first channeling, he had assured me that we were still on the growth path together, both where we need to be. Through Denise, he had offered the provocative reminder that we had chosen this situation, elected Scott’s death and my continued survival, for some greater purpose. That decision had been made not here, on the level of the conscious, but according to the purity and ancient knowledge of two souls. Scott, now freed of the limitations here and back in the soul, could once again see clearly and remember the reasons for it all. What had he remembered? And, once again bathed in clarity after such a long, long journey, why was it so important that he reach back to share with me what he had found?
If our experience together of life and death here on Earth had indeed reflected a larger joint venture of the spirit, one persisting beyond the limits of death, could I begin to let go of some of my pain at his passing? If his suffering had represented a sacred gift, serving some holy purpose and in some manner advancing the growth of his soul, could I find a measure of peace with its painful memory? And perhaps I was indeed meant to stay here, to keep on living, as he embarked for glory. I had been filled with pain at his death, and guilt at my survival, but was it not possible that, on the level of the soul, I had made the greater sacrifice in agreeing to remain behind until our plan was fulfilled? In the first channeling, he had communicated that If the tables were turned you know I wouldn’t have been able to do as well as you’re doing. Was that statement more than a simple message of comfort? Might that decision have been reached for a good reason, reflecting a sacred intention and based upon an infinite view now beyond my grasp?
I thought back to Jeff’s trance state that Wednesday night in Seattle. Incomprehensible energy coursing through me, the air in the room fairly golden with the spirit’s efforts to manifest physically, I had heard him say “You and Scott chose this path, and are living out your plan.” If so, what was the reason for this agreement, and where exactly was this “plan” taking place? More importantly, where was it leading us? What was the larger spiritual purpose being served? And why had both Jeff and Denise, strangers to one another and living in opposite ends of the country, been moved to share with me an identical message from Scott: “He is trying to reach you face to face, in order to remove your doubt?” Were his efforts somehow part of this agreement between us? What exactly was I to do with the loaded information I was receiving?
I could not know.
To: Chapter 38
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