…looking into the reflection of the moon in your eyes and leaning in to kiss you and at that exact moment the sky fills with myriad displays of pyrotechnical excellence and timing is everything and I think I think it MEANS something…
Scott, March 1990, Journal Entry
Maurits Cornelus Escher Hands 1948
It had been a long, beautiful journey together. People seeking definition often ask “how long were you two together?”, as if that answers the heart of any question or should indicate any measure of grief. I always answer “six years,” but think “an eternity.” So it is when one has been fortunate enough to finally find one’s partner in the dance of life, to joyfully embrace the love and to at last let go of the loneliness.
If I have one story to tell, it’s that of my love with Scott. We met on the evening of March 11, 1990, at a dinner party on the yacht of a mutual friend. Since he was a high school teacher and I a new lawyer, an evening out on a boat was a special event for both of us. I almost didn’t go to the party. I’d had a miserable cold, I didn’t really feel like it, etc., but I did go, and thus was my life forever transformed. I’ll never forget stepping on to the boat, having just left my shoes among the others on the dock, and seeing this beautiful man standing there between the host and another mutual friend. He was tall and lean, blonde and handsome, with a big smile on his face and obviously loving every minute of life. It literally felt as if sparks flew between us immediately, and time stood still for a moment of eternity. In that sacred moment we looked at each other, deep into each other, and knew joy. Words cannot describe.
AIDS Quilt Panel for Scott, detail
Even now, I recall his expression at that moment with crystalline clarity, his head cocking slightly back, mouth falling open into more than a smile, eyes positively twinkling with delight. For years, I believed that it was love at first sight. Now I know differently. It might have been that, too, but the real message exchanged between us in that moment was “Oh, my love, There you are again!” I believe that we had known love before, perhaps many times before, and by the grace of God the time for our next waltz together had once again finally arrived at last. We found ourselves, quite unexpectedly, in a state of joy at having found one another. It had been, for both of us, a long and often deeply lonely journey.
We immediately began conversing from the heart, as if simply picking up on a conversation after a long pause. Within a few hours we were physically intertwined on the sofa lining the boat’s stern, talking, sharing, (in retrospect) drinking deep of the joy of unexpected communion, drawing closer and closer to one another until our lips finally met in a kiss. At that precise moment brilliant fireworks suddenly lit the sky from a festival on shore in the city, and we looked at each other in pure delight. Laughing for the joy of it, we both recognized that this was indeed something special.
That was the start of our adventure together. In the years that followed, Scott loved me in a way and with a purity I had never known before. In more ways than I can count, he reached deep into me and constantly inspired me to keep on growing and to aim higher. His successful battle against addiction to alcohol over the course of several years, with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, had left him strong and deeply spiritual in his approach. He embraced life with an exuberance unlike any I had seen before or have seen since, and those lucky enough to be around him felt as if they had been given prime seats at the banquet of life. Just a couple of weeks after our meeting I wrote the following inspirational message for myself, which Scott took the initiative to type up for me and present as a gift I still treasure:
PAUL’S GOAL
March 27, 1990
I am living in peace
I feel centered and aware
of my higher nature with
every breath I take
I remain always open
to the will of God
trusting in his love
I no longer believe my fear
I am working at a job
that is healthy for me
contributes to the world
and allows me to express
my creativity
My work furthers my peace
My work is also for God
I am everyday learning
to love more deeply
truly and unconditionally
myself
my lover
and all those around me
All this is true.
I had misplaced this writing, but found it again shortly after Scott’s passing. As I once again read the words, it struck me that within just a little over two weeks after our meeting I’d easily referred to him as “my lover.” Even then, I’d known beyond question that I had found the man meant to be my partner in life. There were no doubts about it.
A gift from me to Scott, borrowing the wondrous words of ee cummings for our own language of the heart.
Scott was a teacher, for a living and also in the heart of his heart. He taught high school students English, Speech and Debate, and drama one year. He was the kind of rare teacher gifted with the insight to know the capabilities of each student and demand that from each of them. His students either loved him or feared him, or both, but several of them offered heartfelt eulogies at his memorial service about the way his touch had transformed their lives. Though he would never have said so, or perhaps even been conscious of it, his secret ingredient was love.
To Chapter 4
Stumble It!
